Birthday

My Dad recently told my niece that I’m turning 36 tomorrow. I’m not. I’m turning 39 in a few hours. But his explanation to my 9 year old niece was that “women aren’t supposed to turn 40.” What does that even mean??? All I heard was that I should end my life before I turn 40.

But I worry more about what my niece heard. I can’t stand that he is allowed to even know them.

Less than human… Yeah… That about sums up how I feel. I don’t want to keep going through this. I’m so lost and I really don’t know who to trust. I don’t understand why people care and I guess I’m afraid of it.

I would like to lay around all day eatting chocolate and watching The Crown but I am being pressured to go out to dinner.

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I asked a friend if she would go to the doctor with me. She said that maybe if it’s that traumatic for me I shouldn’t go. Okay.

Be careful?

Tw

A friend asked if I’m ok.

In more words than this, I said I am going to hurt myself once he leaves and friend said to be careful.

Not the answer I expected. I know… I shouldn’t have expectations. My bad. I was just reminded of this too.

It’s fine…I’m fine. And I’m sorry…

Nightmare

It happens every night. I wake up around 3 in a panic. I can’t handle this. Maybe its going to happen forever. I dont know what to do. I’m afraid of him still. I hate admitting that. I feel so stupid.and grossss. Always around 3pm I get flashbacks of him and 3am nightmare. I don’t know to be alone with this without c*tting. I’m trying hard but maybe it’s not enough. I feel broken. Living so my husband isn’t sad.