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I know I have no choice. I know that I’m not allowed to end my life. I know this, but I wish I could disappear. I wish the apartment lease were in both of our names. I wish it had been “just” my dad. Sick. I know.

Too many men have used my body without permission. I know no child is responsible for a parent using her body. But how could there be so many others if it wasn’t something I’d …some sort of approval. I don’t know! I didn’t approve but they saw something. They saw some trait in me that told them I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wish I could figure out what I did or what I said to make those guys know they’d be able to get away. I’m terrified of being outside because I don’t know what I did to make them know I was theirs to use.

Yuck I’m so disgusted with myself! I want to feel clean but I feel like a walking cliche. I feel hopeless. I want new skin. And everything beneath it. And I want an epidural. Please universe…relieve me.

This isn’t his fault

I don’t want my husband to go through any pain. He doesn’t deserve this. I was okay when we married. I thought I could go on about life as if nothing ever happened.

I thought I could pretend it never happened. It is consuming me and the only friend who knows I’ve been having a hard time thinks I’m not trying hard enough.

I feel so very damaged and I see no way out of that. I’m 38 but on some of the worst of the bad nights I feel 7. It’s strange and crazy and scary. I know this is insane but I feel so desperate for a safe place to hide. I am not sure if I’m going to ever be okay.

Maybe it would be easier if I could hate my dad. I know it’s sick but I love him and I care. He was not all bad. He was more good than bad. I’m disgusting. I can’t handle it in this body.

I know I’m fortunate to have a caring spouse. I feel like an awful person for feeling so alone. He knows my childhood was problematic. But there are multiple reasons I can’t tell him how far my dad went. Yuck. I’m so embarassed! Plus..holidays. And they help us financially. We just have to tolerate it until one of us dies. If My husband knew how far dad took things, he couldn’t coexist at family gatherings. Everything would have to change. I wish I could feel safe enough to jump into his arms and hide right now. I’m not sure I ever will feel safe again. I know he loves me. Most guys would have left long ago. I’m not easy. I flinch when he touches me and I know that probably hurts his ego. I don’t want to…but he threatened me and I can’t relax anymore. It was awhile ago. He probably won’t. But something changed that night. I never expected him to want to hit me. And in that moment I feared him, it changed something. He’d be sad if he knew. I think he was thinking about suicide lately but I’m not sure why. My browser was syncing my phone and laptop history and maybe he saw something I wrote about the abuse. Yuck. He won’t think I’m gross. I don’t think he would think I’m gross. I am gross. :*( I wish I could hide somewhere safe. I want out!

I wonder…

Does it keep him up at night? I haven’t had a good nights sleep in years. 

I wonder if it makes him feel gross. Or is that reserved for me? Does he sleep sitting up? Does he live with chronic pain in places he’d like to forget exist? Does he wake up screaming? 

I wonder what he would feel if he knew the damage he did to me. 

I wonder if he wanted me to hurt. Or did he just not have the self control to stop himself? Did he knowingly disregard the fact that it would damage me inside and out… Just to get a short lived thrill?

I know he’s sick. Grown adult men shouldn’t be turned on by a small child. It is burning inside me as if I’ve downed a liter of acid water. I am in such pain and nothing can change it. I don’t hate him. I fear him but I’m not angry at him per say. I never wanted him in prison. I wanted him to get help in a hospital. He has a disease. Right?

I wonder if he’d have stopped himself if understood that I’d be sitting here 33 years after it all began and feeling like it’s still a fresh wound. 

I wonder if he’d have stopped himself if he knew he would get me pregnant…if he knew his daughter would have to have an abortion because of her Dad.

I don’t regret my abortion!! And the body doesn’t have a way to “shut the whole thing down” during r**e. It doesn’t. It didn’t! I had never been with anyone but my dad. I didn’t want this. :*( it is not pro life to force a minor teen with uncontrolled type 1 diabetes to give birth to dad’s fetus.

I wonder if he feels half as gross as me…

Gratitude and stuff

I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. So why am I so sad?

We have a nice rent control apartment in a beautiful part of town. I have a loving husband who has most everything on his shoulders. Sure, some of his language gets very close to verbal abuse. Maybe it is but oh well. He has a lot on his plate. He could have left when I began losing my vision but we got married 7 years later.

In so fortunate to have had good healthcare. Surgery…expensive surgeries saved my vision. I have 20/800 eyesight but that is much better than no sight.

I have much to be grateful for yet suicide is on my mind a lot. How cruel is that. Women around the globe would love to have only had my problems. I get that. I am so weak!

My husband is very critical of me and that’s why he doesn’t know most of what I’ve been through. :X he is very good to me. I don’t understand why he stays sometimes because I would really like to leave myself. I don’t blame him for lacking patience with me. But it hurts.

I have these things that I’m so fortunate to have that I feel bad for being sad. Many people long to find someone they fall in love with. I’m so very lucky. But I’m so confused. I love him more than life itself. So why is my brain lumping him with other men? He is caring and gentle with me in most ways. Name calling though..stupid. I don’t think I’m stupid. I have book smarts. But maybe I am. I love him and I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. So obviously I’m stupid.

This isn’t what I set out to say. I feel so bad for being in a bad place.  I think I need to find a place to hide until this stops. 

List

Hospital. Bio Dad leaves cuz my diagnosis triggered him. New dad started doing what he did to me. He and brother do it together. Mom let it happen! John in the park across from my babysitters house. Yhose 2 older kids at babysitter Maureen’s 😦 and what was up with babysitter Candy?Abortion. CPS puts me with my absent bio dad who didn’t want me. Homeless teenager. Too many men who offered safety and shelter. Speed. Coma. Speed. Speed OD. Home to Mom. Repeat step 4. 

Flew into the Balkan war to join a convent with no success so I came home. Attempt to repeat step 4. Moved around the country to stay safe. Ex asshole. Domestic violence shelter wouldn’t let me stay cuz a woman can’t be a domestic abuser and homeless shelter wouldn’t take me cuz I put them in danger. I could have died. I think I should have… It’s too much. My list isn’t done. I can’t. It’s too much

Chaos in my mind

I’m too overwhelmed. I don’t know why I tried to use the rainn chat. There is nothing they can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. It is too late to do anything. It has been too late for 36 years.

There were 26 callers ahead of me. Nevermind. I’m certain someone needs it more than me. 

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I talk too much anyway. I don’t want this. I didn’t ask for it!