There is nothing they can do. Ultimately I’d be taking from someone who has potential to contribute to society. Still, I feel so close to the edge and like I need to call.
But I can’t have the police showing up at our door. My husband just spent half of his paycheck on a 3 month supply of my medication. If I leave this earth I will have wasted so much. He’d call me selfish if he knew how much I’m thinking about suicide.
I love him so much. He’s everything to me. I don’t want to cause him pain but I can’t figure out whether its causing him more pain with me alive than the short term mourning he’d experience if I left this world. I probably won’t cuz I’m chicken but if I could find the courage I think my husband would live a better life. He’d never ever agree but it would still be true. I don’t think he’s happy anyway or he probably wouldn’t call me stupid and r*tarded on a regular basis.
The National Suicide Hotline tracks calls. Why call if I can’t be honest? I don’t know exactly what they mean when they ask if you have a plan, but my answer is not no. I don’t have a date set or whatever. I’m not in imminent danger blahblahblah.
It’s not that I’m letting my stepdad win. I doubt he wants me dead but he killed me decades ago and nobody did a damn thing. I want out of this body.
Don’t let your husbands #rape your daughters if you don’t want them writing something like this. My mom gets more upset by what I say than by what he has done.