Suicide Hotlines

There is nothing they can do. Ultimately I’d be taking from someone who has potential to contribute to society. Still, I feel so close to the edge and like I need to call. 

But I can’t have the police showing up at our door. My husband just spent half of his paycheck on a 3 month supply of my medication. If I leave this earth I will have wasted so much. He’d call me selfish if he knew how much I’m thinking about suicide.

I love him so much. He’s everything to me. I don’t want to cause him pain but I can’t figure out whether its causing him more pain with me alive than the short term mourning he’d experience if I left this world. I probably won’t cuz I’m chicken but if I could find the courage I think my husband would live a better life. He’d never ever agree but it would still be true. I don’t think he’s happy anyway or he probably wouldn’t call me stupid and r*tarded on a regular basis. 
The National Suicide Hotline tracks calls. Why call if I can’t be honest? I don’t know exactly what they mean when they ask if you have a plan, but my answer is not no. I don’t have a date set or whatever. I’m not in imminent danger blahblahblah. 

It’s not that I’m letting my stepdad win. I doubt he wants me dead but he killed me decades ago and nobody did a damn thing. I want out of this body.

#suicide #hotlines 
Don’t let your husbands #rape your daughters if you don’t want them writing something like this.  My mom gets more upset by what I say than by what he has done.


9 thoughts on “Suicide Hotlines”

  1. Hi. So sorry you are struggling with thoughts of suicide – I’ve been there myself on several occasions. I’m going to take a chance and offer some tough love. You write that you’re chicken to commit suicide, that you don’t have the courage to do it. You have it backwards. Suicide is the easy way out. Choosing to live takes courage. And I know that you have courage within you – you’ve made it this far. You have more strength inside of you than you can see at the moment. What I have found helpful when I get suicidal is to write a gratitude list – everything I can think of for which I am grateful. That helps me to see that life really is worth living. I hope you find your way through this difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That last sentence really got me.
    Do they track on hotlines?
    I thought it was anonymous.
    I’m truly sorry you are feeling like this. I guess you really could understand my ptsd smell post with the thoughts I have. Thank you for writing

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I had NO idea!!! So great, that then creates distrust and lies because who wants added worry and bills. Most of us just want to not feel alone in that desperate low moment.

        Liked by 1 person

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