Defective

I’m not as strong as others. I don’t know why. I just know that survivor blogs show people who were resilient and mentally strong. I don’t know how to process the memories. And the flashbacks.

I hope that i dont have to admit to everything that was done in order to feel ok. I am stuck. i try to play a game or play music or anything to occupy my thoughts but i am not able to keep my mind off of “it”. I wonder if im sick for thinking about it so much. I hate it. I dont want to think about it. It’s suffocating me.

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5 thoughts on “Defective”

  1. The only defect is that when the traumas occurred they weren’t processed and that’s no fault of yours. Trauma needs to be processed so that the body and mind can recover.
    I don’t believe every memory needs to be remembered or even talked about. Each person finds her own path. I hope you have a therapist to help guide you to find yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think grace to survive said it perfectly. For me personally, I needed to come to terms with it all in order for my healing process to unfold the way it has up to this point in my journey. I still get flashbacks and nightmares from time to time, and my PTSD gets triggered a lot, though less than it used to. I am still hypervigilant (always on guard for danger). I am completely dissociated from any feelings regarding my abuse and rapes – my psyche’s way of protecting itself. I am focusing my healing work now on facing those feelings – hopefully they will eventually surface so that I can process them and release them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are not alone in these struggles. I often feel a deep weakness. I can only write. That is what I do. And I don’t always go to the memories. I already know they are there. Sometimes i just try and find something beautiful to offset it

    Liked by 1 person

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