Gratitude and stuff

I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. So why am I so sad?

We have a nice rent control apartment in a beautiful part of town. I have a loving husband who has most everything on his shoulders. Sure, some of his language gets very close to verbal abuse. Maybe it is but oh well. He has a lot on his plate. He could have left when I began losing my vision but we got married 7 years later.

In so fortunate to have had good healthcare. Surgery…expensive surgeries saved my vision. I have 20/800 eyesight but that is much better than no sight.

I have much to be grateful for yet suicide is on my mind a lot. How cruel is that. Women around the globe would love to have only had my problems. I get that. I am so weak!

My husband is very critical of me and that’s why he doesn’t know most of what I’ve been through. :X he is very good to me. I don’t understand why he stays sometimes because I would really like to leave myself. I don’t blame him for lacking patience with me. But it hurts.

I have these things that I’m so fortunate to have that I feel bad for being sad. Many people long to find someone they fall in love with. I’m so very lucky. But I’m so confused. I love him more than life itself. So why is my brain lumping him with other men? He is caring and gentle with me in most ways. Name calling though..stupid. I don’t think I’m stupid. I have book smarts. But maybe I am. I love him and I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. So obviously I’m stupid.

This isn’t what I set out to say. I feel so bad for being in a bad place.  I think I need to find a place to hide until this stops. 

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