I wonder…

Does it keep him up at night? I haven’t had a good nights sleep in years. 

I wonder if it makes him feel gross. Or is that reserved for me? Does he sleep sitting up? Does he live with chronic pain in places he’d like to forget exist? Does he wake up screaming? 

I wonder what he would feel if he knew the damage he did to me. 

I wonder if he wanted me to hurt. Or did he just not have the self control to stop himself? Did he knowingly disregard the fact that it would damage me inside and out… Just to get a short lived thrill?

I know he’s sick. Grown adult men shouldn’t be turned on by a small child. It is burning inside me as if I’ve downed a liter of acid water. I am in such pain and nothing can change it. I don’t hate him. I fear him but I’m not angry at him per say. I never wanted him in prison. I wanted him to get help in a hospital. He has a disease. Right?

I wonder if he’d have stopped himself if understood that I’d be sitting here 33 years after it all began and feeling like it’s still a fresh wound. 

I wonder if he’d have stopped himself if he knew he would get me pregnant…if he knew his daughter would have to have an abortion because of her Dad.

I don’t regret my abortion!! And the body doesn’t have a way to “shut the whole thing down” during r**e. It doesn’t. It didn’t! I had never been with anyone but my dad. I didn’t want this. :*( it is not pro life to force a minor teen with uncontrolled type 1 diabetes to give birth to dad’s fetus.

I wonder if he feels half as gross as me…

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2 thoughts on “I wonder…”

  1. I am so sorry you had to endure that kind of abuse. How horrific. My heart hurts for your pain.
    Rapists don’t seem to have the same heart as we do. I don’t know that they can feel. They can just take.

    Liked by 1 person

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