This isn’t his fault

I don’t want my husband to go through any pain. He doesn’t deserve this. I was okay when we married. I thought I could go on about life as if nothing ever happened.

I thought I could pretend it never happened. It is consuming me and the only friend who knows I’ve been having a hard time thinks I’m not trying hard enough.

I feel so very damaged and I see no way out of that. I’m 38 but on some of the worst of the bad nights I feel 7. It’s strange and crazy and scary. I know this is insane but I feel so desperate for a safe place to hide. I am not sure if I’m going to ever be okay.

Maybe it would be easier if I could hate my dad. I know it’s sick but I love him and I care. He was not all bad. He was more good than bad. I’m disgusting. I can’t handle it in this body.

I know I’m fortunate to have a caring spouse. I feel like an awful person for feeling so alone. He knows my childhood was problematic. But there are multiple reasons I can’t tell him how far my dad went. Yuck. I’m so embarassed! Plus..holidays. And they help us financially. We just have to tolerate it until one of us dies. If My husband knew how far dad took things, he couldn’t coexist at family gatherings. Everything would have to change. I wish I could feel safe enough to jump into his arms and hide right now. I’m not sure I ever will feel safe again. I know he loves me. Most guys would have left long ago. I’m not easy. I flinch when he touches me and I know that probably hurts his ego. I don’t want to…but he threatened me and I can’t relax anymore. It was awhile ago. He probably won’t. But something changed that night. I never expected him to want to hit me. And in that moment I feared him, it changed something. He’d be sad if he knew. I think he was thinking about suicide lately but I’m not sure why. My browser was syncing my phone and laptop history and maybe he saw something I wrote about the abuse. Yuck. He won’t think I’m gross. I don’t think he would think I’m gross. I am gross. :*( I wish I could hide somewhere safe. I want out!


One thought on “This isn’t his fault”

  1. You are not alone. Self-loathing is one of the horrible and devastating consequences of childhood sexual abuse. It is difficult to love ourselves after having been treated so badly. I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with your husband. I hope you will find a way to feel safe with him again.

    Liked by 1 person

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