I have so much anger and hatred for that Larry Nasser guy and other high profile perps! I have no problem expressing my disgust for him. I was posting on Facebook about how “monsters like him should…” and then in my head popped “except my abusers”.
Then i was contacted by someone who was informing me of the many other adults who knew and allowed it to continue. I replied, “All of the adults who swept it under the rug make me wish that hell was a real thing.” But then in my head, “but not my mom.” I don’t want my Mother to be punished. I have no problem feeling anger for her. She did so much damage to me, but I know she did her best. She screwed something up that I can’t explain. But it’s not right for a grown ass woman to feel like a helpless dumb kid who needs saved. Nobody saved me. It is what it is, and I need to move the hell on! I’m so tired of me! I hate myself more than I hate my Dad. He’s sick. He’s just sick… and he put it on me so I am too.
I’m supposed to hate him, right? I am not sure if this is normal. I don’t feel like it is. I should be angry at my dad, but i’m not. I’m lots of emotions that are bad and sad and scared. Not mad. I’m mad at everyone else’s abuser but mine!