Used

I know I have no choice. I know that I’m not allowed to end my life. I know this, but I wish I could disappear. I wish the apartment lease were in both of our names. I wish it had been “just” my dad. Sick. I know.

Too many men have used my body without permission. I know no child is responsible for a parent using her body. But how could there be so many others if it wasn’t something I’d …some sort of approval. I don’t know! I didn’t approve but they saw something. They saw some trait in me that told them I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wish I could figure out what I did or what I said to make those guys know they’d be able to get away. I’m terrified of being outside because I don’t know what I did to make them know I was theirs to use.

Yuck I’m so disgusted with myself! I want to feel clean but I feel like a walking cliche. I feel hopeless. I want new skin. And everything beneath it. And I want an epidural. Please universe…relieve me.

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3 thoughts on “Used”

  1. For a very long time, I had blamed myself for the boys and men who had molested and raped me. I, too, was forced into silence, not only by threats of violence and death, but by tremendous feelings of shame and guilt. I learned, and came to believe, that it was not my fault. There are men out there who seek to harm and control those who are vulnerable, those who walk in the Light. I hope one day you will come to believe that it was not your fault, that you did not “ask” for it in anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been struggling with this as well lately. I am 17, and have been raped 3 times by 3 different men and I have wondered what is wrong with me that it keeps happening. What is it about me that attracts creeps? I appreciate your blogs because relate to them ,and because they do not constantly put out encouraging notes but focus on what you are feeling, and that is raw and real and so reassuring to see that i do not suffer alone. One thing I have learned recently tho is that it is not our faults, and the shame is not ours to carry. Peace be with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ty. I appreciate hearing that. I’m not sure about the shame. I feel so filled to the brim with shame and embarrassment that I can’t tell anyone. I’m glad you know it wasn’t your fault. Ty for the message.

      Like

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