I know I have no choice. I know that I’m not allowed to end my life. I know this, but I wish I could disappear. I wish the apartment lease were in both of our names. I wish it had been “just” my dad. Sick. I know.
Too many men have used my body without permission. I know no child is responsible for a parent using her body. But how could there be so many others if it wasn’t something I’d …some sort of approval. I don’t know! I didn’t approve but they saw something. They saw some trait in me that told them I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wish I could figure out what I did or what I said to make those guys know they’d be able to get away. I’m terrified of being outside because I don’t know what I did to make them know I was theirs to use.
Yuck I’m so disgusted with myself! I want to feel clean but I feel like a walking cliche. I feel hopeless. I want new skin. And everything beneath it. And I want an epidural. Please universe…relieve me.