My Witching Hours

Like clockwork…my entire being keeps messed up time. I have three phases. I don’t know if it matters that I’ve noticed this pattern.

“Afterschool” time it starts. Butterflies in my stomach and shortness of breath. Fear. And it gradually increases until the time dad gets home. When he used to get home! Ugh. I’m not all there upstairs anymore.

it’s been a trigger for me when my husband is getting off of work. This isn’t his fault! I can still hear dad’s car parking out front. Sometimes I swear to god it feels like its all still happening! Godamnit I’m too old for this! I am so stupid for thinking I could ever be ok! That wasn’t in the cards.

I know my dad won’t ever do that again but I’m still terrified. I can’t sleep. I can’t breath. I’m useless as a wife. Destroyed. He fucking destroyed me!

Night time feels like a crisis. I know I can’t sustain this forever. I need a safe place to hide. Damnit my mother should have protected me. Nights are like torture and I can’t lay down. I can’t sleep in bed. The abuse is hurting my marriage..the one good thing to happen in my life!!

The memories are too graphic!

And I’m trapped in this home all day alone … With my thoughts and my gimpy useless body. I miss walking down to the beach, but I can smell the salt from my kitchen window. I love that smell.

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3 thoughts on “My Witching Hours”

  1. Is there any way you can check into therapists through community health centers, hospitals, clinics, or social services? Sometimes there are programs for low income residents of a town, often on a sliding scale based on income – especially for people in crisis. There also might be churches that have money set aside for people who need services. My friend’s local church helps her out with her electric bill, rent, food, and medical marijuana (she has cancer). Perhaps there is a church that will help pay for therapy sessions. You might not be able to get private sessions, but you might be able to get into group therapy. It might be difficult for you to open up in front of a group of strangers, but they would be going through similar things that you are experiencing. Group sessions can be very comforting. I know it’s incredibly difficult for you, but hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The problem is that I’m homebound due to medical problems. I’ve called several therapists in the area asking if anyone would work over the phone with me, but no luck so far. there are online services, but i can’t afford them. Ty. I’ve been trying.

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  2. Sorry to hear. I didn’t know if you were able to get out at all. My heart goes out to you. Healing, and dealing with all of the stuff that comes up from trauma, is so much more difficult if you have to do it without a therapist. I hope your sharing what you’re going through on your blog helps you.

    Like

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