Like clockwork…my entire being keeps messed up time. I have three phases. I don’t know if it matters that I’ve noticed this pattern.
“Afterschool” time it starts. Butterflies in my stomach and shortness of breath. Fear. And it gradually increases until the time dad gets home. When he used to get home! Ugh. I’m not all there upstairs anymore.
it’s been a trigger for me when my husband is getting off of work. This isn’t his fault! I can still hear dad’s car parking out front. Sometimes I swear to god it feels like its all still happening! Godamnit I’m too old for this! I am so stupid for thinking I could ever be ok! That wasn’t in the cards.
I know my dad won’t ever do that again but I’m still terrified. I can’t sleep. I can’t breath. I’m useless as a wife. Destroyed. He fucking destroyed me!
Night time feels like a crisis. I know I can’t sustain this forever. I need a safe place to hide. Damnit my mother should have protected me. Nights are like torture and I can’t lay down. I can’t sleep in bed. The abuse is hurting my marriage..the one good thing to happen in my life!!
The memories are too graphic!
And I’m trapped in this home all day alone … With my thoughts and my gimpy useless body. I miss walking down to the beach, but I can smell the salt from my kitchen window. I love that smell.