I had this small wooden box with the Sistine Madonna on top and I brought it with me everywhere after the state removed me from my home. I had it when I was homeless and I had it when I was staying with friends or other random people. It stayed in my backpack… until I traveled overseas and I couldn’t bring it with me because it contained my cutting tools and first aid supplies and a false sense of security. (I would never advise anyone to cope this way.)
I am doing my best not to do all of this stuff again. I was in elementary school the first time I did it. I don’t know what I was thinking. If not for 3 years of DBT, I am sure I’d have started again. I’m not perfect. But I’m not buying SteriStrips or making E.R. runs anymore, so that’s good.
I feel like it would keep me sane. Keep me balanced when the grounding can’t. Grounding helps sometimes. A lot actually. But sometimes it’s not possible. Meditation feels like more of a trigger than anything. And I mostly feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.
I can’t make sense of things at night. I feel it starting and I know I can’t stop it. I can’t have the things I need or want. I don’t have much control over my environment… Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a skype therapist for $35 a week. When I had a job, that was nothing. We don’t get paid until next Wednesday and I have no idea what we are going to do for meals from Sunday through Tuesday.
I don’t think a pro/con list would go well for my skin right now. I am too old to feel like this! At least that’s what I’ve gathered since my old S.I. support forums are full of people in their teens/20s.
I don’t want to sound bitter, but maybe I am a little bitter than I’m the one with all of the scars. I got nothing out of it. Other than trauma. I hear these news stories about Larry Nassar and the girls who are all so brave and standing up publicly stating what he did. It is causing so many emotions that I can’t sort out. I just don’t think I’m ever going to heal. I don’t think my brain developed right to begin with. At least that is what I read. It’s getting harder to hide that I’m crazy.