I think I’m mad

Is anger the reason I’m breaking things? I don’t like this feeling. I’m trying not to take it out on my body because this feeling is rooted in pain being put on my body. I am trying not to punish myself for being abused. God…that’s sick.

I think I’m angry that I go through this each day at this time. He doesn’t. He is okay. Old. Senile. Physically worse off than me in some ways. But he isn’t trying to keep from hurting himself right now.

I’m mad because I never really got to be a child. Not really… I’m mad that some adults knew things weren’t right with me but took my mothers story as fact because she’s the perfect PTA band-mom, girl scout leader and president of a local charity. Yes, my mom does great things for the community. But I’m mad that her community service was enough to cover up the abuse.

I’m mad that I still don’t have her support about it. I am happy when young girls have a good relationship with their mom but it triggers me still. Our relationship is so fake. But she cosponsors my husband for his green card. I’m mad that being disabled disqualifies me from sponsoring my husband!! Marrying him saves the government money. This is one more thing keeping me controlled by her. She is helping me but I can’t feel free if she has that much power!!

And I’m mad as he’ll that he took my damn innocence. He took it. I didn’t get to give it anyone. I’m mad that people don’t appreciate the pain this can cause someone both physically and emotionally for the rest of forever. I’m mad that I still feel all of him!! I am mad that the only way to not feel him sometimes is to hurt myself.

Yeah.. Maybe I’m angry.


One thought on “I think I’m mad”

  1. Oh, dear RobynPi, you have full and complete rights to be angry. I think you are very brave to feel angry for all this cruelty in your young life. Hold on tight. TS

    Liked by 1 person

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