Morbid thoughts

So many… My head is dark. I want to destroy. Myself.

I don’t want to talk about it but I need him home now. I’m so lost. He knows but he’s not in tune enough to really get it. I wish I didn’t have to tell him what’s wrong. I wish he just knew if I’m crying and going self destructive its probably because I’m having memories unless I state otherwise. Its hard to tell him because I feel disgusting.

I don’t want to think about these gross memories. I don’t want to remember what he did but I have lost control. I don’t want this. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want to feel these things. But I do. Most of the time. I do. And I hate myself. I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so gross. Idk what to do.

I’m not getting better. It’s been a long time. Pathetic. Weak. I’m going the wrong way. .

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2 thoughts on “Morbid thoughts”

  1. I think self-loathing and shame might be the effects of trauma that hang around the longest. I’ve been in therapy for years and I still struggle with these things. It’s so difficult to love myself. Don’t give up. You are not going the wrong way. Right now you are in the middle of it all. I think all of us survivors have had to go through a time where you’re at right now before the healing could begin. Whenever I feel full of self-loathing and shame, my therapist told me to come up with three things that I like about myself. Sounds simple, but it does help me. Three things I’ve noticed about you just from what you write are that you are sensitive, kind, and courageous to have survived all that you’ve been through.

    Liked by 1 person

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