Dangerous comparisons

I didn’t recognize some forms of abuse throughout my life. I compared everything to my dad’s abuse…

He wasn’t doing what my dad did. So why complain? There was a lot of that.

I was sexually harassed at three of my jobs that I can recall. I’ve told people I’ve never been harassed at work and I thought that was true. I can’t believe I thought it was ok for my supervisors to talk to me like that. But…they weren’t touching me. I thought that was the minimum reauirement. Idk. It still confuses me.

I’ve been with women and men. My abusive ex was a female. It rocked my world that a woman could hurt me. She didn’t sexually assault me though, so I stayed for over two years of physical and emotional abuse.

I have a police record because she was choking me and I bit her. We were both arrested and I shouldn’t have been. I pled No Contest. I didn’t even know what that meant… But I knew I didn’t want her to get in trouble at that time. I thought I loved her. I went back several times.

My late Aunt is the reason I left. I didn’t understand I was being abused. My aunt knew domestic violence and she pulled me into the laundry room and said, “you need to leave her.” And in that moment she told me that my ex’s behaviour was abuse and wasn’t anything I could do to change it. It was shocking.

On the drive home to Ohio, my ex pulled over at a gas station, accused my family of treating her like crap (bogus. They were afraid for me. They kissed her ass.), and kicked me out. She informed me that I’m “lucky she doesn’t Thelma and Louise us off the cliff”. As she drove away with my insulin in the car, it hit me. She will kill me one day.

There is a stigma for same sex domestic violence. The shelter said no initially because I was in a lesbian domestic partnership. So I sat outside of the 7-11 on a cold January 2001 day in Ohio. I sat by the payphone until I assumed shift change had occurred at the shelter. It was humiliating and sometimes I don’t know how I thought to try again. But the woman who answered the hotline was more accepting and she came to get me.

I was the only client in the shelter. It was lonely and no-one to talk to. I stayed in bed and cried for two days until I went back to my ex. Because I didn’t get understand. I thought she wasn’t doing any more harm than had already been done. I was wrong.

There were so many red flags that I ignored..I just wanted someone to love me and to get me away from here. What a mistake…


One thought on “Dangerous comparisons”

  1. I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I have allowed myself to remain in relationships that were abusive mentally and emotionally. I think a big part of it was my low self-esteem. I was so used to my abusers treating me poorly that I didn’t know I deserved to be treated with kindness and respect. It took a long time for me to develop enough self-worth so that I could recognize abuse and say, “I deserve better”. I’m glad you shared your experience. I think a lot of women (and men) can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

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