Everything’s a trigger

First off, i know soda is bad for me. And i know diet is even worse. But im a diabetic and sometimes i want something sweet too. This has recently been given a revamp and now theyre being sold everywhere. Yay! It is my favourite and until recently it was hard to find here. Hubby brought home an 8 pack. Score! But because I’m me, it triggered a memory.

The one I’ve written about before… The one I wake remembering each morning at 3am. The one where my mother betrayed me! When she saw him on top of me…

It was one of the most painful moments of my life. She came downstairs because she heard struggling on the baby monitor in my room (she said). Why did she find it acceptable to walk away? She locked eyes with me first. She shut the door. I really liked the lace ruffle on my door. I stared at that after she left… I stared. I can’t write about what happened when she left the room but I remember it like it’s now.

She kept me home from school the next day. It was just her and I that afternoon. She sat me down on the downstairs couch to “go over my consequences.” I was confused. Still am. What did I do wrong? I didn’t want that. I was hurting. Why would I want to be hurting? I’m still confused. And hurting.

It might not seem important to anyone but me. After school I was allowed a diet cherry coke for my sweet treat while other kids got ice cream or pudding. I lost that treat for two weeks.

This wounded me! I don’t think it can be fixed!


4 thoughts on “Everything’s a trigger”

  1. This brought me to immediate tears.
    I am so sorry she walked away. She should have been locked behind bars the rest of her life for not saving you. To allow that. Then to blame you then to give you a soda the next day. Monster. They are all monsters. And I am so sorry she let this happen.

    Liked by 1 person

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