I’m not holding up well today. I’m not sure how I feel. I just know I’m not okay right now. I haven’t been okay since yesterdays counseling session. I am not sure how to put this to words. I
tried drawing but I’m so critical of myself that it made me more anxious. So I’m trying to write but really just babbling cuz the thoughts coming up are too much right now and I’m on my own with it.
The urge to self harm is strong. I started when I was 11 but I had quit for 11 years until 2017. I’m trying not to but I don’t know why. I’m craving meth. Been clean since October 3 1997 except for 3 days in October 2017 when I took adderrals. I want to self destruct. I don’t know why. I’m in a lot of pain cuz someone hurt me so why is my impulse always to hurt myself?! Ugh he made me a crazy hysterical basket case.
I want it to be over so bad. I want to disappear. She said next week will be harder cuz we have to “address the R***”. I’m not sure I can…
I wish I didn’t need so much.