Sleep is for the weak?

This was my mantra in the 1990s when I was a homeless teenager. I used crystal meth to avoid the nightmares. That’s not an option now.

I feel so alone at night. I’m not sleeping again. Everything is quiet. Except my mind. I almost called a hotline but I always feel more alone in the end. I don’t need a lesson in grounding techniques. I need a friend. But I can’t turn to them. Well, I can’t let myself turn to them. They’re not equipped to help me. I know it gets tiring when someone is never good and only has negative stuff to talk about. I’ve lost many best friends this way. I too have moved on from friendships that brought me down. I totally understand. This is why i say I’m ok when I’m actually crying in the bathroom as I type it.

I am not alone but I feel like I am because I’m alone with my thoughts. I can’t call the local hotline because my husband will hear me. My long distance friend who I told my story to is active online but I want to spare her my craziness.

I’m having some really dark thoughts lately. I can’t tell anyone. I’m probably just tired…

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One thought on “Sleep is for the weak?”

  1. I know what it’s like to have thoughts that won’t cease. I haven’t had a restful night’s sleep since my brother first crept into my bed when I was eight years old. I’m sorry that you feel you don’t have anyone you can talk with to ease your burden. I’m glad you have this safe space here to share with fellow survivors who understand. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

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